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| Oh, yeah. Heh. Never made the official post.
This weblog is now on LiveJournal. http://www.livejournal.com/users/etumon
Thanks to anybody who actually reads me. (-: | | |
| Hrmn... Thinking about switching over to livejournal.
Can't decide, though. Guy likes getting emails when I post, and whined
about losing that. But Sander wants feeds, which Xanga doesn't have. I
don't really care, long's y'all're mostly happy. I'm inclined to just
tell Guy to stuff it and deal. (-;
One for each side... whatcha think? ( And yes, laynie, this means that you're pretty much the deciding vote. (-; )
| | |
| Wheeeeeeeeee! More Fushigi Yuugi. Past the Evil Tamahome arc, met
Amiboshi. Finally getting to the second season/half. Which is, y'know,
awesome.
I don't know why this series hits me like it does. They seem to have a
perfect mix of humor and drama - they'll toss the silliest comment into
a deeply moving, dramatic moment, and it somehow doesn't take away from
the depth of the scene. My best example is when one of the characters
has a disease for which the only cure is death... and resurrection. She
decides that someone should just kill her to get on with the
resurrection bit and move on with their journey instead of wasting the
months death takes with the disease. The man who loves her, who wants
her to marry him and spend her life with him, tells everyone to leave
the room... so that he can kill her... and looks down at her, already
grieving at the thought of her suffering. She gazes up at him, in pain,
regret, and relief, and tells him, "I'm so sorry... to have given you
such a burden." He closes his eyes, overcome. She continues, "I
think... I think I'd like to be skewered, since I like shish-kebab so
much. I'll count one-two-three, and you stab quick." His eyes are open
now, shiny with tears. He clenches his sword with trembling hands as he
raises it. A pause, he steels himself. His arms fall heavily; his body
follows, and comes to rest atop hers. Outside, their close friends
flinch at the thud of his blade striking, and gaze at each other in
sorrow for the two, and horror that it had to come to this...
The shish-kebob line is one of my favorite moments ever in an anime.
It's so... silly, so random, and so, so very much a part of that
character. In the split-second you think "Wha-?" and laugh to yourself
at the absurdity of it, you also think of the character, and how very
like her it is to be thinking about food at the most inappropriate
times... and how very like her it is to try to soften the moment for
others. It's still a dramatic, moving moment, probably because neither
of the characters, nor the director, let it be anything less, or treat
the line as a joke, but just as part of the character... and his
response is to recognize it as part of who she is and become more
troubled at the thought of killing the woman he loves. (At least, it
was moving and deep to me.) And at the end of the episode, I wandered
into the bedroom, chuckling over the shish-kebab bit, trying to explain
to Guy just why I was so tickled by it. (Fortunately, he more than
understood when we got to it on his viewing.)
But that seems to be a lot of the humor style of the series. It's mixed
in with the drama, something that just seems a part of the characters
and the story rather than something put in for a laugh. Even though you
know it *was* put in for a laugh. Heh. When Chichiiri gets outted while
disguised as Nakago, and goes not-really-chibi mode, the captain
shouts, "Guards, after that deformed miniature general!" So even in a
fairly intense story-arc/episode, they recognize an anime artistic
mechanism as part of their world. And it's funny, because it's just
slightly out of place, but not.
And the characters... *sighs happily* I love the characters. At least
the "good guys." Suboshi, Nakago, Ashitare, Soi, Tomo, that weird dude
at the end... It's probably just because you don't have time to learn
very much about them, except for Suboshi and Nakago, though you do
learn enough to feel sorry for Ashitare and Amiboshi. But by and large
they seem so... one-sided.
(Guy, if you're reading, skip here. Not really sure what you consider
spoilers, but how much you learn about the bad guys might count.)
I tend to prefer stories where the "bad guys" aren't really bad guys,
or that you can sympathize with them enough to come off feeling sorry
when and if they lose. While there were a few things brought in that
could ameliorate some of the "evil" from them, you just didn't see
enough of them to really get a fleshed out vision. Maybe in the manga
you get more of a feel for them. Or maybe not - the main part of the
story *is* Miaka's.
(And if you're reading here, Guy, definitely stop.)
Though the Seiryu priestess was supposed to have her story, too,
and on
her own. Perhaps she and Amiboshi or Suboshi would eventually have
taken over and used her wishes to fix Kutou and Nakago... Tomo and
Miboshi certainly seem like the types who wouldn't have been turned by
a young girl's naivette. Nakago definitely had his own motives. Hrmn.
Soi I could see, if she were exposed to someone truly nice who affected
her life in a positive way besides Nakago. And maybe Ashitare, if he
were offered freedom from Nakago and someone to tell him he wasn't
beholden to Nakago any more, give him permission to be his own person.
But the good guys are all so... fun. A mix of humor and seriousness, a
glimpse at their souls, what makes them who they are, why they follow
Miaka, commitment, love, death... I just get caught up in it, and
carried away. All of the times the characters were crying (happy *and*
sad), I was crying, too. The first time, at any rate. Well, and the
second time, when I rewatched certain episodes just to see if they
still *did* leave me in tears. Now that someone else is there, I find
myself making little comments to lighten my mood so I don't embarrass
myself, though. (-;
*sighs happily* 28 episodes to go with Guy. And two OVAs (9 episodes, I
think, maybe 10) I haven't seen yet. Life is good. *dances a bit*
Though I wish Darwin's Children would turn up. I started reading
Darwin's Radio with the intention of following it up with the sequel,
but Guy doesn't remember what he did with it, and neither of us can
find it. Grrrrr.
<edit> Oh, and as part of my giddiness, I'm sure, I was struck
again by how much I love my color scheme here. It's very... happy. And
pretty. And not black and grey.  Just felt the need to
mention.</edit>
| | |
| Bleh. I hate waking up early. When I've gone to bed early, it's a good
idea, but I still really don't wake up until around noon. I'd rather
stay up until 3, then sleep 'til 11. But, sadly, that's based off of
all of the late-night closing work has had me doing. Now they're having
me come in at 8 in the morning instead.
Though that's a good thing. I spent the week before last getting
trained to work the cash office, and I've had several days now where
I've come in and done it. My time has gone from 6 and a half hours with
a few mistakes to 5 hours with no mistakes. *cheers* Though the two
people who do it regularly (I'm just going to be a backup) get it done
in about 3 and a half hours... But they've been doing it for a couple
of years now, and have the process/movements down and coordinated.
So far, the cash office is my favorite position at work. Ever since I
started working retail, I've been constantly battling my tendency to
get so caught up in what I'm doing that I tune everything else out, to
get lost in a task... You just can't do that in retail. You always have
to be aware of several different things, keeping up with and/or a watch
on them. So basically I put together a mental list of everything I need
to be keeping track of, and then every few minutes make myself mentally
stop, run down the list, make sure everything's up-to-date, and proceed
accordingly.
But in the cash office I don't have to do that. There's *one* thing I
need to be doing at a time, and they *want* me focused on doing that
right. I'm locked away in a little room by myself, with no distractions
or expectations except that I complete each step thoroughly and
correctly. (And quickly, though the first two take priority, and so far
they've been apparently understanding since it's my first two weeks at
it, and even afterwards, I'm going to be doing it sporadically.) It's
amazing to be able to do that. I go in, start doing my thing, and look
up 5 hours later with a job well-done. It's... mentally cleansing,
almost. I think I forget how much time I spend chasing my thoughts
'round and 'round, trying to weigh and attend to everything. The
silence is refreshing, if that doesn't sound too psychotic. (-; I don't
know how much of that is just the newness, but I'm just realizing how
relaxing it's been. We'll see what happens with it.
But all of that leads back to a new set of thoughts I've had before,
but haven't recently seen anything specific to support. I tend to think
of myself as flighty, because if it's not what I'm doing now, and I
haven't put effort into making myself remember, then I'm probably going
to forget it. It's another tendency I've spent a lot of time and effort
overcoming, developing habits and making a conscious effort to remember
things, because I can generally assume I'm forgetting something. Every
time I go from point A to point B (including from the guest service
desk to the break room), I make myself stop(!) and do an inventory -
purse? (have it/left it in x location) Keys? (ditto) Cell phone?
(recent addition after a couple of near-losses because it wasn't on the
list because Guy always has it) When I leave the apartment, I lock the
door, make a point to try to open it once or twice to be sure it's
closed, then think to myself "Yes, I locked the door." That way, when I
get down to the car and the question "Did I remember to lock the door?"
pops up in my mind, I have a recent memory of "Yes, I locked the door."
While I've never actually *forgotten* to lock the door, it's saved
numerous paranoid trips back up the stairs to make sure I *didn't*
forget. If I verbally tell myself "Remember to get x at the store," and
because whenever I leave work I think "Was there anything else I needed
to get here?" I can usually remember to pick it up.
Anyhoo, I've refined my perception of myself slightly. It's not so much
that I'm flighty, as that I'm too focused. When my mind is on one
thing, or chasing from one thing to the next, it tends to tune other
things out, so they get lost. Going from point A to point B, I don't
naturally think "Do I have everything?" I think "Okay, going to point
B, where x will happen." Once I'm out the door and have it locked, I'm
no longer thinking about the door, so it's gone from memory. At work, I
tend to go from "working" to "going home" - I'm just making myself
insert "picking things up" as a possible mediate phase.
Though to some extent, I guess that's really what "flighty" implies. I
get carried away by my thoughts, and lose consciousness of other
things. But I think that it's not because I can't focus on something,
but rather because I'm too focused on something else. I think it's part
of why I can be such a klutz, too - I'm caught up in getting where I'm
going, or doing what I'm doing, and don't notice there's a doorknob, or
shelf, or chair in the way. Sometimes I'm so caught up I don't actually
notice that I ran into something, until later when I notice I've got a
bruise I don't remember earning.
I think it's also a large part of why I can be fairly oblivious to when
I'm upsetting someone. I'm focused on what we're talking about/doing,
and other considerations become external rather than part of that
action... If something's upsetting me long-term, I think I'm the sort
who will bring it up and try to see it resolved, as honestly and
directly as possible. I'm just recently realizing that that's something
an apparently lot of people consider rude, or at least the sort of
people I'm drawn to. Where I'd been expecting other people to do the
same, I now need to find a way to be more conscious so that they don't
have to directly say that something's a problem.
*sighs tiredly* Damn, I went from positive mood to exhausted in a few
paragraphs. I just get so tired of fighting myself. I miss the days
when I could pick a thought, talk it out, follow it to another, talk it
out, chase that one to something else. I miss being able to just get
caught up in a project or idea, try to find any and every way that it
could be accomplished or bettered ( well, possibilities - it's always
important to have a realistic grounding personality around to keep
everything together and running (-; ), and chase it into the ground. I
know those habits don't work in my life right now, and don't know if
they ever will, so I need to change them, change so many aspects of my
approach to the world. It's a positive set of changes - broadening my
mind, being more aware of my surroundings, being able to function in
the world I'm part of. But sometimes... sometimes I wish there were a
way I could function as I am, find a role and method that fits me
rather than the other way around. I've learned that in the real world,
people don't tell you when you're screwing up, they save it up for
later and blast you to the ground... but how do you know when you're
screwing up if nobody will tell you? I lost a chance at promotion
(well, that turned out for the best in the long-run) because nobody
told me my basic attitude toward my job was wrong, wasting time and
resources, and costing me any regard the management of the store might
have had for me. After months of doing things wrong, months of me
asking my manager how I was doing and if there was anything I needed to
do differently, someone *finally* told me that nobody had any
confidence in me because of my performance. Since then I've reversed my
approach to the job, and haven't gotten any further feedback from that
person, so I don't know if that means I'm still screwing up or doing it
right now (which I think I am, but I thought I was before, so who
knows). I figure I'll find out when they fire or promote me. A transfer
I'm not sure on - they could be passing me on to a better place, or
just trying to get me off of their hands. So... whatever. That they've
put me into the cash office, even as a backup, I take as a very
positive sign - it's definitely a position you want to have someone you
trust to do the job right. But it could also be a way to keep me quiet
and happy, since it all came out when I sort of lost it at work because
I felt like I was being dicked around with, told some things were
possibilities when I asked and then being ignored or avoided
afterwards. (Though, truly, I don't think that they would put someone
they didn't trust into the cash office, for any reason. So now it's
just a matter of fulfilling that trust, and hoping they'll tell me if I
need to do something different.)
But therein lies the dilemma. How do you make yourself more conscious
of how people around you are reacting if they won't confirm your
instincts? If you ask direct questions and they either avoid answering
or even lie to you because they think it's someone else's job to deal
with you? How do you tell the difference between paranoid fears and
good instincts? Trusting my instincts hasn't turned out well in the
past... though maybe the problem was *not* trusting my instincts
because someone lied to me and said those instincts were wrong. But how
do I do that without distrusting other people when they say things that
are different from my instincts? I don't want to be second-guessing
everyone else as *well* as myself... But I also don't want to be
floating, oblivious, through distrust and anger.
Mmmm... the rainbow iPod minis are mesmerising. And the target "shooting" lines cover the marks on the white circle part. Nifty.
Ah, well. I've been clinging to Happy Rhodes lyrics to settle my mind lately:
"You can't know them like you know yourself;
I know... I know...
Therefore, find your peace.
I can't... I can't...
Demand only from yourself...
I try... I try...
Don't rely on your logic.
I don't... I don't...
You've made your choice,
now go to the end.
You will find your peace.
When it comes, greet it,
welcome it,
make it stay."
One of the most apropos lyric sets I've found to fit my mood. When it
gets to "The instincts you feel are the truth. / Are they? Are they
now?" especially. (-; Same internal struggle, with some fair advice at
the end.
Heh. "I'm Gonna Be" just popped up on random, and it always makes me
think of the Ranma AMV centered around the dude who constantly gets
lost. It's a nice final mood-saver. (-:
Oooooh... must find the Tra-la-la Utena AMV, and the Hamster Dance one. Those were hilarious...
| | |
| Okay, *now* I'm done fiddling with colors.
For now.
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